Sabtu, 01 Mei 2021

Unbelievable Stories

                It’s been days since I watched movie that tore my heart. This afternoon, I was sobbing because I get really in touch with the narrative. It’s about women and their vulnerabilities. It is a limited series on Netflix entitled “Unbelievable” and it literally is unbelievable. For those who doesn’t like spoilers, you can watch the series first and get back to read this after, because I’m gonna spoil so many parts of the movie. Without further ado, let’s talk about it.

                It’s started with a woman telling the cop that she’s been raped and annoyingly, she had to tell the story to different people like so many times in the same day. It’s a very brutal memory, and she’s forced to tell what happened over and over. I almost cried watching the scenes. However, I managed to hold my tears. “I just started.” I said to myself.

                What makes me furious is the fact that the detective wasn’t helpful at all, got no sympathy for the victim, forced her to tell the story over and over, until he was sure that she made that up. There wasn’t any rape according to him. The woman, of course, couldn’t defend herself when she’s forced to accept that horrible idea, and finally lying about what really happened.

                Three years after, at the other country, the same case happened. Luckily, this woman got a detective who really think she was telling the truth, despite little evidence of the suspect. The detective just felt that there’s a monster out there trying to do the same thing to other women.

                God led her to the other detective in another country whom also having an identical case. Then the two investigated the case together, helping one another finding the clue about the identity of the monster, while the 1st woman I told in the 2nd paragraph was accused of making false stories that she was raped and got so much hatred because of it. Imagine living through a very traumatic incident with no one got your back. It must be a very dark feeling inside.

                I hate it. I hate what a man can do to crack a woman’s life.

                Turns out, there really is a serial rapist. He sneaked into those women’s place late at night, raped them for hours, took pictures of it, got a trophy like he was winning something, and not feeling any remorse. He took something from them which they could never get back. All of that is because one man.

                I was crushed when I saw the women testified in his trial. Hearing what they said broke my heart. I couldn’t imagine how horrible life must be for them after the attack. I acted like this because the movie is based from a true story. It’s real.

Imagining those women losing something they don’t want, it’s heart breaking. It’s unbelievable.

                Dear so many men out there in the world, you have the chance to overpower women in so many ways. You have that in you. I just wish you would do it for the good intentions. I know I can’t generalize that all men are the same. I believe there are decent men who’ll curse the kind of act.

                Watching this kind of movies is like reading literature. You’re drown into their perspectives and the good thing is that you can take something to learn after it ends. You’ll find that you’re crying like a fool because you pity them or finding yourself in the same situation as them, but that’s the part of learning into other’s perspective. It’s very fun when you have other thing than just killing your time after watching a movie. In fact, it’s relieving to be able to write this down.  What makes it even better is that when you can talk and having a discussion about it. Believe me, it’s worth it.

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Rabu, 14 Oktober 2020

Selling Roses: A Reflection

I have a story to tell.

Actually, I have a lot of things bothering my mind right now. Well, do you remember the monster inside my head probably a year ago? Maybe you’re not. However, in case you wanna know you can always scroll down and read the poem 😉

So, hmmmphh no I can’t tell it to you guys. Yet. Just read me out.

This is one of my memorable memories in my collage. That time, I was a treasurer concurrently secretary for a charity event. As a committee in a less well-known campus in Yogyakarta (hahaha), there is always issue in funding. The campus, if I’m not mistaken, only gave us about Rp. 200.000,- and we need Rp. 2.500.000 more to fund the event. As a student back then, that’s a lot money to be collected.

Long story short, even when we almost did everything we could to raise funds, the lights just wouldn’t turn on. Believe me, that was one of my hardest time. You may say I’m overreacting, but that’s how I felt. It’s because, that was an event of my division, and I thought I have the responsibility to make the event come true.

Until finally, one of us proposed an idea to sell roses in Sekaten or Malioboro. We bought it for 4K each, and we sold it for 10K each. We didn’t have any choices left, so yes, we decided to do it. Sadly, not everyone feeling that much responsibility as I had back then. There were almost 30 people in the team for the event, but only below 15 people showed up that night. I remembered someone bought one rose for me hahaha, forget that.

Back to the laptop, we split into 5 teams in two and three people. Me and one of my collage friend (I called him collage friend because I don’t consider him as MY FRIEND), went to Malioboro first. And… idk what to say. It was… sad? Hard? Yeah, a little bit of sad and hard. Most of them, they wouldn’t hear my explanation. They didn’t even see my eyes. I really, really wanna cry. Now I know the feeling of the queers on the side of the road. “So this is the difficulties of making money, like what my parents always say, huh?” I thought, and again, almost cried. Some people bought our roses because they feel pity of us. Tragic.

After that, I went back to dorm and found myself crying. I pray to Allah for a miracle. Something that could solve our problem. Anything.

And yeah.. we wouldn’t give up. We tried to sell the roses online. We provide a service for becoming a messenger of a secret admire. They bought roses from us, and we deliver the roses to their crush or maybe to surprise his/her girlfriend/boyfriend.

AND THANK GOD. ALLAH SWT. IT WORKED.

Someone chatted me and ordered 100 ROSES!! I doubt him at first. I thought it was a scam, but no, he’s serious. He could buy the roses somewhere else cheaper, way cheaper from ours, but he chose us. IS THAT A MIRACLE I ALWAYS ASKED TO GOD? I’m so very grateful.

At the end of the day, we managed to raised about Rp. 5.000.000,- !!!

WASN’T THAT AN ACHIEVEMENT? WASN’T THAT CALLED HARDWORK?

I really, really want to tell you guys, nothing is impossible, and impossible is nothing.

I asked God to give me one, I prayed, I fought, and God double it!

I could just be like the other team member, just go away, minding my own business, but I chose to be in the division at first. I chose to be the treasurer concurrently secretary. I couldn’t just go away and let the other made it happen. I had to be there! Fight.

Yeah.. fight. That’s what I want to tell you.

The problem will always, always be with us. I can’t judge how big, how hard, how overwhelming it is, but, hang on. Fight.

Actually, I should be telling my self to fight right now. So yes, Nong, Fight!

It might seem hard, impossible, unbearable, but you managed to be here right now. Don’t just give up.

You managed to sell the roses and you could tell the readers about it, and maybe giving a reflection to think.

Always be grateful of what we have. Believe that everything happens for a reason, keep fighting!

May the odds will always be upon you!

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Minggu, 12 Juli 2020

Turning 24

Hey it’s me again. Finally I have something to talk about. I’m so happy cuz I get to write in English. It’s been a while since I wrote about my feelings and I really want to share these thoughts so I can let it go. Before I start, I want to apologize for grammatical mistakes ahead. You’ll find so many mistakes especially if you’re a grammar nazi. So, without further ado, let’s begin!

Anyway, last month I turned 24! Not exactly last month anyway, but yeah I am almost 25 years old! Speaking about almost 25 years old, before I turned 24, I forgot when it was, my father asked me how old I am (yeah he didn’t know), and I told him that I’m almost 24 years old. You know what he said after that? He said, “You need to get married at 25 years old.” I went speechless. 

That time, I really wanted to debate him, but I couldn’t cuz we have different values, and talking about it would be pointless. He asked me to pray to Allah, so a very good man would come into my life and marry me. What a life! 

Almost everybody in my family asks me to be married to someone before I get 25.Even my sister in law once told me that getting married after 25 yo sucks. And I’m like… is it true? For me, I wanna get married not because people think I should, not because I’m old enough to, but because I’m ready. When you’re married, it’s not just about you anymore, it’s also about your partner and his/her family, and if you’re not ready, then why in the hell you want to have that commitment just because people think you should?

Furthermore, I’m not the type of someone who’s married just because of sexual needs. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for my friends who get to meet their love of their life before they get 25yo, but it doesn’t mean that me, or others are wrong when they don’t do the same things, right?

Honestly, I really think I’m not ready yet. People say that getting married is “enak”. However, I’m very skeptical about it. Wang sinawang gak sih? (What are you afraid of Hann?) Well, I’m afraid that I’ll choose the wrong person. Someone who’ll make my whole life miserable. Truthfully, I’m very happy with my life right now, and I don’t want to ruin it with another complicated problem. Yeah, you can say something like “ya itu karena lo belom nikah aja jadi lo belom ngerasain enaknya” it’s a fair thing to say. It’s alright you can say that, I won’t judge it anyway. I’m just preparing for the worst case scenario. What would I do if life does not always give me beautiful things everyday when I’m married? I wanna be ready.

I found something on twitter about marriage life. I will try to give you the summary. According to Maya Septha (a celebrity in Indonesia), when you are married, it’s kinda like having long life problems. So when you’re married, please make sure you know what kind of man you choose, and please make sure you can bear with his character your whole life. If he has a bad character, please be aware that it won't get better just because the two of you married. Remember, you’re choosing your future problems, so be wise about it. BOOM!

And I’m like “She’s right man!” 

Why would I want to push myself just because my parents want me to do it? I’ve been doing what they say all this time, and I need to do it one more time just because they are my parents? Well, this is my life. They do have the part of making me into this world, and I respect that, but the one who’ll live with the marriage is me, so yeah, I won’t get married just because I’m 25 years old. 

If I get to be married when I’m 25 years old, I wanna be ready. Not just me, but the two of us. We need to know that life will get harder, and if it does, we will fight it together. I need to know that it’s not just about me or him, but it’s about us. Being together no matter how bad it goes. 

Hope I won’t make a mistake in choosing the love of my life! And I hope you too! Thank you for reading!
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Senin, 02 September 2019

Happiness doesn't have to be near by you


This thing is gonna have a lot of grammatical errors, well f that. Because I ain’t perfect and you do. 

I wanna tell you a story about a very much good friend of mine. Not that I want to specialize my best friend, but this one I want to tell you about is the most up and down friendship I’ve ever had. I almost lost her as my friend, but we managed to put the past in the past, and got back together. 

We met five years ago. She’s my classmate at college, and after that we became a housemate for almost 3 years. The eight of us (including me and her) are in the same circle from the beginning of our college. Four girls and four boys.  I have to admit that the friendship we had is the most real relationship I’ve ever had. We judge, mock, laugh with each other. Although, there’s no such thing as perfection, we manage to tolerate each other and I thank God for our ability to do that, especially me. 

She is my friend. My dear best friend. We fought and we made up and fought again. I really, really grew up because of her. When I looked back right now, there are so many memories I want to write here so that I won’t forget everything we had. I will always remember the fact that she is always there when I’m sick because I’m such a fussy when I get sick and I know that really well. Or, when we were fed up with our organization, and decided to ride at night didn’t know where to go. Or, when we watched movie together and talk about the plot, cinematography, acting, etc. Or, when we just talk about a bitch messing with our life. I will never ever forget that. 

I don’t know that these five years I’ve been blessed so much. To meet her and my circle, to be able to learn from them. To get the place I would run to when I can’t deal with home. Really, God, thank you for letting me having the friends that will always so very kind to me. 

I’m very aware that I’m not the perfect friend. I do make mistakes. We fought for so long till I wished to go away from her, but I couldn’t because I couldn’t bear to lose another friend. I won’t let that.
Until one day, I graduated, and most of us graduated and have to face reality that we can’t always be together talking bullshit about politics, philosophy, and movies anymore. We have to face reality which is a very sad thing because I have to face that feeling again. The feeling when people left you. 

You know how much I really want to go back there? The eight of us sitting at Tedjo editing movies or playing UNO. Or the two of us in that house just talk, talk, until we get tired. 

Maybe you guys still wondering why I write this. This is because, she is gonna leave Jogja tomorrow doesn’t know whether will come back or not. Which means that I would be alone because Naras has left Jogja too.. and.. I’m afraid.

I’m not being over dramatic. Aku pernah ditinggal sahabat baikku dengan cara baik-baik emang, tapi yang jelas ketika kita ketemu, rasanya udah beda, dan aku enggak mau kaya gitu keulang lagi. 

Mungkin aku lebay cuma ditinggal temen aja sampe kaya gini. Tapi bagiku kalian bukan cuma temen. Yang ada waktu aku lagi ada masalah ya kalian. Yang ngurusin aku waktu sakit dan kecelakaan ya kalian. Yang nasihatin aku soal family ya kalian. Terutama kamu. 

Terus besok aku kalo mau makan ngajak siapa lagi? Tahu sendiri kan aku kalo makan ya sama kalian. Coba inget-inget, mana pernah aku makan bareng sama yang lain kalo ngga sama kalian?
  
Yang tahu aku kayak gimana, yang bisa mentoleransi aku seperti apapun itu, ya kalian. Ya kamu.
Aku nggak pernah di posisi yang ninggalin. Aku selalu di posisi yang ditinggalin. Kayanya dosa aku banyak deh makanya I always end up like this. Apa aku pernah jahat ya sama seseorang? Aku pingin jadi baik. Aku lagi belajar.

Aku sedih –sesedihnya waktu temenku ini tiba-tiba bilang ngga mau di Jogja lagi. Aku pikir aku bakal masih punya temen at least the one I could talk to who really knows who I am, what kind of situation I have, what kind of family I have, tapi ternyata… manusia punya masalahnya masing-masing.

Aku sedih sih karena aku yang selalu hold on sama mereka sehingga ketika mereka pergi satu-satu aku ngga tau mau pegangan sama apa lagi. 

I’m so sad. 

Sorry reader for being so lebay over this thing. Some of you will understand, some of you won’t, and I get that. I WISH THE VERY BEST FOR ALL OF MY FRIENDS! If someday I have a chance to write about you guys, I would. Especially you, I learnt a lot from you. Really. Thank you for being my friend. Just so thank you for being there when I need you the most. You are a good man. You deserve the best. I really, really wish our relationship wouldn’t end like this. However, I respect your choice and I get that sometimes happiness doesn’t have to be nearby you.
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Rabu, 14 Agustus 2019

Sad (Overexposed, 2012)


Ohh but I’m scared to death
That there may not be another one like this
And I confess that I’m only holding on by a thin-thin thread
I’m kicking the curb cuz you never heard words that you needed so bad
And I’m kicking the dirt cuz I never gave you the things that you needed to have
I’m so sad –Maroon 5, Sad. (Overexposed, 2012)

Hey! It’s me again. Hann. 

Instead of writing my feelings through my tweets, I think it’s better to write it down and post it on my blog. So, yes… been six months I guess? Hello and welcome. 

Well actually, I’m going to write about a sad reflection of what’s going on today.

This morning I got very shocking news that one of my friend (whom I never imagine) will leave Jogja at the end of the month which is . . . sad. 

What makes it even worst is that, I know she’s sad, but I can’t be the very the best friend for her to even make her feel better. I know how it feels to be like “I’m alone, I don’t have anyone who understands me.” And that feeling is just so f bad. It’s like the world is surrounded by the clouds and the sun won’t come up again. I really hope that she doesn’t feel that bad, and if she does, I hope she could cope with it and make peace with herself. 

Just so you know my dear, you always, always have friends even if you consider yourself, you don’t.

Isn’t that scary? To be friends with someone for years, and when life force both of you to face the bitter reality, somehow, the bond is…broken. You just don’t be friends anymore. I mean, you still can consider his/her your friend, but still the smile, the story, the comfort between both of you... fades away. 

I wish a relationship with anyone would not be this complicated. I wish it would never involve any feeling. Like the fact that I can’t stand other’s sadness is just devastating. Am I being too naïve if I want everybody to be happy?

You know what I want? 

I want to hug everybody who feels sad and say, “You don’t let yourself feeling that you’re alone. I know. Life is hard. Family, love, life, people’s expectation, sometimes they try to drag you down, but please hang on. You are strong! You can do this. I’m still doing it now too. I fight to hold on. I’m just like you. We’re the same.”
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Selasa, 26 Maret 2019

A Poem Could Sum Up My Day


Maybe I’ll regret it once I read it again online, but I really need to write this down, so I can let this go. So I’m sorry if I’m being too emotional. I just want to let this thing go.

It’s coming back again. My anxiety. It tries to kill me again. Idk what happened. It blurts out of nowhere.

I don’t know that a man can be this sad till he wishes to die instead. The thing is, I don’t know what exactly that causing this sadness. All I know is that I’m sad like almost all the time, and I won’t eat and sleep properly, and I will have a very bad day.

I cried. It helps, a bit. However, I don’t know how to face it. I can’t figure it out. Feels like I’m drowning in this anxiety sea, which dragging me down to the very last basis.

I once force myself not to look at friend’s ig stories so I won’t get stressed. It helps. I felt better, and then I tried to open them again, and here I am finding me drowning in the flood can’t hold the stream. So I have to start it all again, pushing me not to open those toxic things. I even thinking not to use social media anymore cuz it really, really breaks me more when I already this broken.

You know what? To feel like you’re not good enough for anything like anything in this world, is the most terrible feeling ever. I really wish I could hold on to someone so I could hang on. I told myself every time to hang on, but I don’t know how and I end up letting myself to do this, drowning in sadness.

This poem could sum up what I’m feeling right now.

Aneurysm

I know now a monster
Which lives inside me maybe forever
Oh… or maybe it’s a lover
Who really knows me whatsoever

I just say hi to it
Trying to know each other well
It sticks to me like a knit
Not even planning a farewell

It calls it anxiety
However, Aneurysm I prefer to call
It says that it’s a buddy
But it gets bigger till I start to fall

Anxiety which kills me slowly
Aneurysm which is ready to pop entirely
Seems my soul was taken away
Feels I’m dead already

O, think I need a brain surgeon
No, it tells it needs only me
K, but still a doctor sounds urgent
Yes, that one should be me

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Selasa, 01 Januari 2019